Ending tha Taatu Plaeg

(This blog is published, first, in phonetic (Fanetik) spelling and only then in standard English spelling. If you wish to skip to the traditionally spelled text (albeit with a few simplifications here and there), click here.)
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A Komkaast foen servis kamershal nou airing shoez a maan witth hyuej tieger-paatern taatuez thaat he no laungger wonts, maeking a kaul tu tha taatu ortist on hiz nu foen servis. Tha taatuewist sez, in hwut soundz liek a Chieneez aaksent, 'Taatuez permanant. Yu tieger nou.' The aanser iz stil tha saem, no maater hwut foen wun kaulz frum: taatuez or permanant.
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Aultho tha top-laeyer mesaj iz thaat yaur kaulz wil sound tha saem, no maater hwether thae or plaest veeya tha foen kumpane aur kaebool kumpane, thair iz a soeshale yuesfool subtekst thair thaat we need tu enaakt intu lau: taatuewists shood be baand frum taatuewing ene miener, eevan witth parental permishan, aand faurbidan aaz wel frum taatuewing eneewun hu iz drungk aur under the influewans uv drugz. If thair iz not nou a reekwieyermant in lau thaat eneewun hu gets a taatu must reed aand sien a breef aaknolajmant thaat sh/he understaandz thaat taatuez or permanant aand reemueval tekneeks or ekspensiv aand paenful, thair shood be. Such a permishan faurm shood be in aat leest 14-point tiep. Aand tha lejislaeshan shood haav teetth (liek a tieger), seereeyas konsakwensaz in termz uv fienz aand/aur imprizanmant faur vieyalaeterz.
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Peersingz shood be similerly reestriktad tu aadults, saev faur wun peersing per eerloeb. A similer waurning about patenshale laung-term aadvers ifekts, daenjers uv infekshan, broekan teetth (frum tung peersingz), aand uther noen haazerdz, in komparable lorj tiep, shood aulso be reekwieyerd faur aul peersings.
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Tha popyooler kulcher must be weend frum the insaen desakraeshan uv tha hyueman bode involvd in tha myuetilaeshanz popyooleriezd bi deeveeyant myuezishanz, biekerz, aakterz, aand tha liek, mene uv them on drugz. Ouwer childran or emyoolaeting tha skum uv the Ertth. Thaat must stop.
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Childran haav no kansepshan uv tha fyuecher, so must not be permitad tu kamit themselvz tu a raash deesizhan thaat kood stae witth them faur thair entieyer lievz, aadversly impaakting thair kareer aand eevan marital prospekts. We doen't alou childran tu sien kontraakts. We must not alou them tu mor thair bodeez, aand thair lievz, thru infantieyal stuepidite.
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Spining West. Jon Stuewert uv Komade Sentral'z Daily Sho sed tooniet, uv the ekskluezhan uv hiz biluvd Nu Yaurk Mets frum tha plaeyaufs, aproksimat kwoet, "Yu mae tthingk it's oever, but it's not oever. If we kaan just get the Ertth tu reevers roetaeshan, we kaan plae this tthing agen."
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Oq, but tha Daile Sho'z oepaning graafiks aulrede haav the Ertth spining in reevers direkshan, westwerd, such thaat daun in the Yoonietad Staets wood stort oever tha Pasifik aand proeseed eestwerd. Oelder reederz will reemember tha hyuej bruehohoq 24 yeerz ago hwen NBK Nuez kreeyaetad a nu oepaning faur its eevning nuez proegraam in hwich the Ertth apeerd tu spin tha raung way, and NBK wuz raekt oever tha koelz faur it, so karektad the apaarant aastranomikal erer witthin daez. I fiend on the Internet a perpaurtad kope uv thaat oepaning (http://www.80stvthemes.com/potpourri/; serch faur "shutal"), but it iz not aaz I reememberd. Faur wun tthing, tha verzhan I reekauld haad aakyarat shaepz faur tha kontinents, aaz on a gloeb. This wun shoez a Merkaeter-Prajekshan distaurshan uv tha kontinents. The eksplanaeshan aat tha websiet iz thaat the arijinal intent wuz tu sho the Ertth aaz it miet be seen frum a spaes shutal paasing oever frum west tu eest. I doen't reekaul haaving herd thaat aat tha tiem, houwever.
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I haav asuemd thaat tha Daily Sho, aaz a saatieyer, shoed the Ertth spining tha raung wae tu sho its ieronik taek on tha werld.
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Aaz faur the "get the Ertth tu reevers rotaeshan" reemork, I am reemindad uv a mueve frum tha 1940z in hwich the godz giv wun maan aul hiz wishaz, tu se hwut wil haapan. He beekumz frustraetad about sumtthing thaat iz goewing raung, so aurderz tha sun tu stop mueving in tha ski (intending tu stop tiem), hwairapon the Ertth insted stops spining, but the aatmasfeer duzan't stop witth it, praduesing a kaataklizmik windstaurm thaat wood haav dastroid evreetthing haad tha godz not stept in. So, let's not maek tha werld reevers roetaeshan, OK?
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(Tha kerant Y.S. militere detth toel in Eerok, akaurding tu tha websiet "Eerok Koewalishan Kaazhuewalteez", iz 3,807 — faur Izreeyal.)
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Ending the Tattoo Plague. A Comcast phone service commercial now airing shows a man with huge tiger-pattern tattoos that he no longer wants, making a call to the tattoo artist on his new phone service. The tattooist says, in what sounds like a Chinese accent, 'Tattoos permanent. You tiger now.' The answer is still the same, no matter what phone one calls from: tattoos are permanent.
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Altho the top-layer message is that your calls will sound the same, no matter whether they are placed via the phone company or cable company, there is a socially useful subtext there that we need to enact into law: tattooists should be banned from tattooing any minor, even with parental permission, and forbidden as well from tattooing anyone who is drunk or under the influence of drugs. If there is not now a requirement in law that anyone who gets a tattoo must read and sign a brief acknowledgment that s/he understands that tattoos are permanent and removal techniques are expensive and painful, there should be. Such a permission form should be in at least 14-point type. And the legislation should have teeth (like a tiger), serious consequences in terms of fines and/or imprisonment for violators.
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Piercings should be similarly restricted to adults, save for one piercing per earlobe. A similar warning about potentially long-term adverse effects, dangers of infection, broken teeth (from tongue piercings), and other known hazards, in comparably large type, should also be required for all piercings.
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The popular culture must be weaned from the insane desecration of the human body involved in the mutilations popularized by deviant musicians, bikers, actors, and the like, many of them on drugs. Our children are emulating the scum of the Earth. That must stop.
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Children have no conception of the future, so must not be permitted to commit themselves to a rash decision that could stay with them for their entire lives, adversely impacting their career and even marital prospects. We don't allow children to sign contracts. We must not allow them to mar their bodies, and their lives, thru infantile stupidity.
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Spinning West. Jon Stewart of Comedy Central's Daily Show said tonite, of the exclusion of his beloved New York Mets from the playoffs, approximate quote, "You may think it's over, but it's not over. If we can just get the Earth to reverse rotation, we can play this thing again."
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Ah, but the Daily Show's opening graphics already have the Earth spinning in reverse direction, westward, such that dawn in the United States would start over the Pacific and proceed eastward. Older readers will remember the huge brouhaha 24 years ago when NBC News created a new opening for its evening news program in which the Earth appeared to spin the wrong way, and NBC was raked over the coals for it, so corrected the apparent astronomical error within days. I find on the Internet a purported copy of that opening (http://www.80stvthemes.com/potpourri/; search for "shuttle"), but it is not as I remembered. For one thing, the version I recalled had accurate shapes for the continents, as on a globe. This one shows a Mercator-Projection distortion of the continents. The explanation at the website is that the original intent was to show the Earth as it might be seen from a space shuttle passing over from west to east. I don't recall having heard that at the time, however.
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As for the "get the Earth to reverse rotation" remark, I am reminded of a movie from the 1940s in which the gods give one man all his wishes, to see what will happen. He becomes frustrated about something that is going wrong, so orders the sun to stop moving in the sky (intending tu stop tiem), whereupon the Earth instead stops spinning, but the atmosphere doesn't stop with it, producing a cataclysmic windstorm that would have destroyed everything had tha gods not stepped in. So, let's not make the world reverse rotation, OK?
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(The current U.S. military death toll in Iraq, according to the website "Iraq Coalition Casualties", is 3,807 — for Israel.)
- posted by L. Craig Schoonmaker @ 11:59 PM